I'm sure you typed:
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Saturday, July 30, 2011
22:59
If she wishes herself a murderer, let her kill me before herself. Let me dig a grave beside hers and fill it first so i'll never have to live without her.
Jeffffff
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12:35
I'm not the best boyfriend. I'm far from that.
I try my best.
Yeah, there have been situations in the past, and I've fucked up.
I was never the one to notice these things and its the kinda thing where you don't notice it until someone tells you. I don't know if its just me, but I don't think anyone is really "trying" anything until something really obvious happens. Maybe that's my blunder. Time and time again, you seem to be the one to help me out of these situations and I guess I want to thank you for being there when sometimes I can't even. The situation now is over with. I've dealt with it and don't plan on talking to anyone else besides you.
I could see why you feel like everything you do for me is way more. I never tell you about all the friends I rejected one on one because they were girls.
I never tell you how I ask my mom... and my sister constantly for advice when you're sick or when you're down. Do I do it for reassurance? Maybe, but more for the fact that I want to be the one to heal you. It's silly I know.
No excuse for replying slow. I just fucking suck. I want to talk to you. But I don't know what to say sometimes.
Maybe it's still imba. What do I know anyways.
I can't ask you to depend on me to catch you when you fall. But whether or not you decide to jump, I'll always still be there to catch you, whether you see me or not.
Jeffffff
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02:49
Just go. Seriously. Just go. As long as you're happy on stage, I don't mind pulling all the strings for you.
Jeffffff
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00:56
I can't do anything right can I? You need others to do what i'm supposed to do. LOL I'm terrible.
I'm useless.
Jeffffff
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Thursday, July 28, 2011
11:54
Fucking hell. It's really awesome. Do you ever think about how I feel? Do you ever know what its like when you always have to tell the bad news. Always be the fucking one to let people down. Every single time i'm scared to let you down and hope that you'd understand but each and every time you would somehow not understand. I'm not saying i'm right. You're not the only one that spends time to get ready. You're not the only one that's let down. Now my parents are fucking mad too. I'm fucking angry as well. Its funny because my parents make up excuses so I can't go out. I swear, they probably don't even like me always going out with you. But its funny. I try to fucking hard anyways, begging them, convincing them. And when our fucking plans get shot down, all I see are a bunch of guilt tripping angry blog posts. I understand how you feel. How you've always been let down and such. But understand there isn't one victim here. They're two. Have you ever thought about me?
Yeah, Its only a blogpost. But I'm pretty sure you'd know i'd read them. And half of your followers know us. Yay. I'm the bad fucking boyfriend that always cancels our plans again.
Its even kinda funny. The first thing I knew that was gonna happen after I told you I couldn't go was that both your blogs would have new posts. But I get it. In the end. Its my fault. Its always my fault. So once again, I'll say sorry, my feelings will be contained, and I'll do a million things just to make it up to you.
I'm sick of it. Everyone has to go against everything I do. My life is a fucking paradox.
Jeffffff
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Wednesday, July 27, 2011
21:48
I'm scared of a lot of things.
Stop trying to be someone else's perfect.
Jeffffff
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21:34
I decided it might be nice to go through old homework today and well, throw everything out haha.
I found some of my old writings and stories. I thought they were good, but I didn't exactly get the best grades. Maybe I do write pretty bad? I just hope that I've improved since then and to me, I have.
I also found one of my old notes. From ...."her". Eww..... Another piece of evidence that makes me wonder, why the hell did I get on that? LOL. -trash-
Jeffffff
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Sunday, July 24, 2011
21:10
ALRIGHT! I feel like i'm in a random list mood, so let's make a random list! Below are some personal goals I hope to achieve in the near future and just ongoing goals I hope to make happen each and every day.
I don't mean reading magazines or billboards. I want to read. I've been putting it away for other things and it somehow escaped my life. BOOKS, I'M SORRY! I WANT YOU BACK! And I swear to read more of the classics and definitely more along the lines of true crime and abnormal psychology or freudian theories. Anything that tickles my fancy ;) ..
- Catch up with some old friends.
They know who they are, the childhood friends that i've (for the most part) known for all my life. The ones that have drifted whether it was due to different school streams or even just a different road in life. I hope to re-connect and find out how they've been doing!
EHH. Okay, shorter list than I expected. But I guess it's fine because no one's gonna read this anyways C:
/crumplesandthrowsout.
Jeffffff
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21:05
What a day.
I never thought I would make it through 8 hours at Via Musica but I did! Dennis treating everyone with timbits LOL. Buying Ice caps.. Everyone envying me and Gab's Swiss Chalet for dinner. West Side Story. Falling asleep. Good times. ...not really. It was boring as hell. You can tell i'm tired by my lack of grammar and eloquence in my writing. LOL. But that isn't an excuse.
Jeffffff
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Saturday, July 23, 2011
20:57
I know you're not easily impressed but I don't seem to ever impress you at all. LOL.
Jeffffff
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20:33
I feel terrible. whywhywhy.
Jeffffff
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Thursday, July 21, 2011
05:31
I would of never guessed I'd sleep this long.
Well, 6:30pm - 4:45am.
I skipped dinner too. :c so I haven't exactly been eating ever since lunch yesterday.
In Colorado, with the mountains,
Did you like them?
Did you find what you’re looking for?
Because I’m still searching for the life we were living before.
And if I dropped everything and booked a flight,
From Logan to Denver, that my plane would crash that night,
'Cause the odds are against us,
So all bets are off,
Just know you meant more than I ever could want....
Hmph.
He spoke to me.
Quietly, as he anticipated someone else might be listening.
No one hears him, but me.
He did not have a voice but I heard his every word.
Every sentence was made to depress me.
His every thought was my truth.
His every suggestion were my thoughts.
But no proof was needed.
Things that didn't bother me were now brought to me in a different light.
As if they were problems I had not noticed.
He takes my admiration and respect for people and corrupts it into jealousy.
He takes my healthy heart, and turns it to evil.
He takes the joy in my life and manipulates it into sorrow.
I live with him everyday.
He lives in me.
I haven't written for ages. But I got up, and felt like something was on my mind. I feel this expresses me more than just plainly writing about it. Bad writing. I hate reading over my writing /crumples and throws into metaphorical garbage can.
Jeffffff
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Tuesday, July 19, 2011
02:03
LV SWAG. Tumblr Dupe ~
With each TTC token, we can fit two (OR MORE) people through the gate.
Walking from Chinatown to Spadina Station is hardly a mission.Fairview doesn't have MT.I can only get max 3 spins on a subway pole.One transfer = MANY MANY bus rides.Never sleep beside @rynniee@Woja is sexy <3There was TONS of veges to be chopped in the soup. ;)MISSION COMPLETED.Square. Met up with the foigs. ICE CAPS. Bus to Islington. Subway to Chin--YORKDALE. LV SWAGGG. Back on the subway, FAIRVIEW. Macdonalds, Forever XXI and their square sock ties. Missioned back home. Invading an empty square one. Ran around like ninjas on camera. Went to BR 15mins before closing. BUBBLE POP BUBBLE POP. Then went home.OH YA. CAR FELL IN TO A DITCH. LOLOL.But i'm home. :3
Jeffffff
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Monday, July 18, 2011
08:40
Those moments where you just want to hit your head HARD on something just because it feels like that on the inside.
Jeffffff
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07:46
Jeffffff
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07:30
I'm ripping this all from my notebook.
It's not like you were going to like this anyways LOL.
Who am I kidding? These are stupid. Why am I even doing this?
"People like you are the reason why our world is beautiful"
Oh yeah...... That's why.
I won't see you on the day of. I wish I did. It really hurts me to see you spend time with other guys. Especially your birthday.
...August 7th. I really hope. You wouldn't mind.
Jeffffff
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Saturday, July 16, 2011
19:10
Just a thought.
Everyday – your job, the government, your addiction, your depression, your money – you feel like you can’t control the forces affecting your fate. So, you stage microrevolts. You very customize your ringtone, you paint your room, you collect stamps. You choose.
Jeffffff
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18:42
Doesn't it feel great? To be on top, the top of the world as it may seem. Everyone is looking at you, and you can't help but fill with emotion. The tears of joy after many years of hard work, disappointment, success, and dedication. The way your mind just runs with thousands and thousands of thoughts, thoughts of disbelief, thoughts of accomplishment, thoughts of self-fulfillment. The feeling of the adrenaline rushing through you as if endorphin was released into your spine.
This is an emotion I can only vividly describe as I conceptualize it. I hope one day I can finally tell you first hand how it feels but for now, i'll be here, among everyone else, living their mediocre lives but somehow for me, mediocre just isn't enough.
Jeffffff
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09:14
They don't know we feel when we're around each other. That paranormal feeling of internal warmth we get from just being each other's presence.
They don't know how we would care about each other.
The way we would lose sleep worrying about the other's mood and constantly, almost forcefully, ordering the other to eat healthy, sleep more or whatever the case may be.
They don't know how we look at each other.
To look into her eyes and and think to myself, "She's beautiful", each and every time.
They don't know how many problems and obstacles we've overcome.
To think about everything that has happened, and to pick ourselves back up together and learn from past mistakes.
They don't know us.
Jeffffff
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Tuesday, July 12, 2011
12:39
THIS SONG.
This song makes me so emotional. I don't know why. Emily just recently sent me this. And I haven't heard this in so long. I haven't listened to this song in years. Or maybe it was just a year. But for some reason, I always associate this song to losing someone and trying to find them again. Maybe it's just how I think.. Or I don't know. It makes me emotional. If I lost her, or anything, this would... be one of those songs that would be torture to listen to. I don't think some people appreciate music enough to feel emotions in the music. For me, songs could always dictate my mood and generally change my mood. Weird.
Jeffffff
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Saturday, July 9, 2011
11:04
Kinda Hypocritical
I had JUST finished telling someone to just sleep and relax. I get on my bed. And end up worrying about something until the sun comes up. No. Sleep.
I'm always worried about you. I was worried the whole night about what might happen to you in the future. I'm really scared you're gonna somehow turn back into that girl you were before. I'm scared you might be easily influenced to do things. Peer pressured into doing things.
Not intentionally, but Nu-lite popped in my head a lot LOL. I was scared that maybe you'll somehow go to one of their events and then get dragged back into the partying thing. I think i'm scared of you going to parties is partially selfish too. I've gone to many parties myself, but in a way, you partying feels somewhat unfamiliar to me. And generally, the unwritten rule for me is that if i'm unfamiliar with a certain topic, i'll probably be a bit scared about it.
But the big reason is just... i don't want you to be that type of person anymore. I know time and time again you assure me you won't be. And I believe you. But in the future. No one can tell what will happen. But i really hope you keep your promise. For the sake of us, and just for the sake of you. I hope the type of girl I have now, is the real you. Forever. A girl who might be a bit insecure, but still very down to earth and has a goal in life. Plans for the future, knows what is good for her and knows what is bad. I love you. I'm just scared of stupid things. But this is just another blog post, demonstrating how much i'm into you and how much I think about us in the future and it astounds me how I can unconsciously care about you.. like this. Maybe i'm selfish, or maybe i'm just too into you.
Either way, last night was one big worry session and I was sweating and exsausted. I should take a nice shower and eat lunch. And my lower lip hurts LOL. I cut it. -.- Anyways, library today. Lets see if i can get all this done!
10 History Essays
6 Harmony Assignments.
LOL. SUMMER MY ASS. LMFAO.
Jeffffff
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Monday, July 4, 2011
16:28
Some friend you are.
If you want to jump me. Go on ahead. I'm not gonna avoid you, but a couple stabs won't hurt. I said i'll do it when I can, and that's what I'll do.
Jeffffff
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Friday, July 1, 2011
09:45
These are the times I feel like I want to die sad and alone.Its just an anon, usually I just don't do anything about that. But you, even you agree with him/her. That ... completely ruined my summer. I don't have the drive to do anything anymore. You know. Everyone always sees you getting me things. Please don't get me anymore things. I don't have the money to buy you things in return. Maybe I don't have enough money for you, or maybe I can't make enough time for you. Or maybe its the way I talk to you making everything sound so casual for you. Do you know WHY i'm trying to get a job? SO I CAN FINALLY HAVE MONEY. You don't think that everyday I think about how to make you happy and do the little things that make you happy? Do you not think I try to plan out stuff just to make you happy. They end up not working either because you're busy or because I just don't have that kind of money right now. I hate how I can't buy you the sweater you want, the dress you want, the anything you want, but I try to "repay" you in ways you can't buy with money. But obviously NO ONE sees that. No one gives a shit about how much I want you to get better. No one gives a shit about how much I want you to sleep so your organs will heal. No one gives a shit about how I'm trying to turn you into a better person. I really doubt a lot of other guys would give a shit about if you're sleeping right or how to deal with your family problems. Basically, I'm guessing everyone you know doesn't like me. Don't think I deserve you and no one gives a shit about me. But in the end. Maybe I'm not good enough for you. You said it yourself.
Jeffffff
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This is my blog. Hf.