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Monday, June 13, 2011
21:54
Another snippit of my happy terrible past
I feel guilty thinking back to my childhood sometimes. Because I had what I wanted yet i'll still admit to this day, I was depressed. I had a loving complete two parent one sister family, and had things i wanted. I even did good in school. But ever since grade 5, I've never had a birthday party. Before grade 5, everyone's parents would always plan these birthday parties for their sons and daughters and just invite 10 - 20 people, I remember I had a few of these. But once I got older and parties seem to be more exclusive and when we, the kids, actually started to pick out people to invite and stuff, I was embarrassed when my birthday came around. I... had no one to invite. Well, I did I guess, but deep inside, during that time, I KNEW no one would come. And every year, my mom would ask, "Jeff, do you want a birthday party?" with a great smile on her face and each year, I'd tell her the same thing. No. Mom.And I see the disappointment in her face. I could tell she wanted to do things for me.
And... now... even as i'm typing this, I feel the guilt of not doing something my mom wanted to do for me for all these years, and the nostalgic feeling of loneliness ....
Up till this year, I still... feel like no one will show up. I turned 17 this year. It just sometimes feels like I have no friends.
Jeffffff
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