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Thursday, June 30, 2011
07:09
I'm just scared.
I feel so uneasy when you hang around them. I don't know why I feel this way. I don't want you going back to your old self... or maybe I just don't want you to be a party girl anymore. I'm.... why is everything that happens to you or something always affect me like this? I'm really getting tired of acting this way, scared, paranoid, worried, i'm really really tired of feeling this way. When will I learn to stop that... :\ Or i'm jealous you can do things like that and I can't? I don't even know, actually... probably isn't jealousy this time, but whatever, still a possibility.
Its not like i want to stop caring, I probably can't not care about you. But, i just really hate this feeling of when I think of them, and think of you... and I'm all asdasdgjkawehiuaei again. ... I hope you don't read this. I'm just trying to rant out and stuff.
Jeffffff
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Wednesday, June 29, 2011
08:10
Day 4
Just two more days. Teaching about bystanders today. I feel confident. Very confident. I have games D: But i need to talk less and DO more, smile, and sometimes remember that I am a teacher. LOL
Jeffffff
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Tuesday, June 28, 2011
20:00
Blacklist....?
I fully regret my actions completely and thankfully there was no immediate concequence, or actually any resulting consequences in the future, but I still feel uneasy.
Its completely my fault and I talked it over with my instructor. She said that yes, it will be a tiny blunder and she will refer the incident as a "disconduct" but she saw that it can't really hurt me in any way. She said by the standard I set in the class and how my qualifications are, this incident should be the least of my worries.
But still, I think of how the Mississauga Guards are all one big "extended family" and word gets around and in the end, i'm still scared somehow, it'll affect my reputation. I want to believe it doesn't because I know my name doesn't come up at all even if others know about the incident, I just hope, when I JI, people don't call my SI instructor for a recommendation. I hope they just call the instructors that did my NLS, Bronzes and the ones I JI for. When I start volunteering, I'm gonna need to make good friends with the DS. Or i'm 100% screwed.
Uneasy and a tad bit worried. But its fine, I'll learn from this and I'll be able to do it.
Oh. And I forgot my shirt and towel at Frank. So now i'm gonna try to get Alex to maybe ask the lost and found for me. :3 ... Kinda don't wanna talk to Tina right now.... I don't think she likes me LOL.
Jeffffff
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Monday, June 27, 2011
07:59
I'm sorry okay?
I'm sorry I didn't decorate your pencil case and I know you're let down. I really wanted to and put all our inside jokes and stupid things on it... but you won't believe me if I told you I was busy. I had literally one day off... and I used it to catch up on my theory... guess that was the wrong choice. I'm sorry. Let down. Again. I'm starting to think maybe you are better off with someone else. Someone that could treat you better.
Jeffffff
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06:32
Of its own
"You can't do anything fucking right"
It's coming back. The voices. The ones in my head that I fought really hard to get rid of. The ones that tell me I can't do anything. They're back.
Jeffffff
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Sunday, June 26, 2011
20:40
A little bout us.
I'm gonna really honest, I dislike the person that you were. I remember telling myself, I didn't want a party girl. I wanted a nice girl that I just click with to be my girlfriend. Essentially, I wanted someone that I could see myself with years from now. I don't like those "4 months- 6months" kind of relationships. I understand why it could be fun and stuff, but I wanted to be sure before I got a girl.
Last night still makes me sad. Just thinking about everything that happened, everything that went down makes me think a bit too much than I should. I was thinking about how you were back then. Partying here, and there. In my mind, i'm really confused about how I feel about this. Do I feel like that's you.. and I'm not into that? Or am I jealous that you got to to that but I didn't? The drunk girlfriend I saw yesterday didn't feel like the girl I liked. The look you gave me, you WANTED to kiss those girls you wanted to drink more... It devastated me. I wanted to storm away and just drink until I forgot about it. I just couldn't believe that you would of even wanted to do something like that. I felt so... tricked, by myself... I didn't know how to feel at all. You've done it before, and you wanted to, if I stopped you, I'd be limiting what you want to do, and a good boyfriend doesn't do that. If I didn't, i would hurt. My stupid idiotic problems. It hurts me alot.
Maybe i'm just a bit old fashioned, but I'd like to think... even a kiss is special. Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't kiss anyone else.
Sometimes I don't think straight and end up thinking about our pasts. How we both had different pasts and came from two different places. I would become so fucking ignorant about this that I feel like maybe in order to "match" with you, I would have to endure the things you did, or do the things that you did. Or I would feel guilty that I grew up with all these things that you didn't have... I would even get stupid enough... to tell myself that I would have to harm myself in the ways you did just to understand you and just to "fit in" with you. But I know, that isn't right, nor is it logical.
I understand your situation though. I can imagine how tough it is growing up the way you did, if the situation were to happen to me, i'm sure i'd have the same reaction. I understand you want to change. And that you hate how you were before too. And you're probably thinking, if I could write all this, why am I still here?
Its because I fell utterly and completely in love with you. I have been for a long while now. Its not easy to fall for someone when you're someone like me but I did. And I fell pretty hard.
I know you're trying hard to stray away from the person you used to be. I know that you don't want to be that girl anymore and you're trying. That's all that matters. You know why? If you're trying, i'll be there. I'll always be there for everything. I know it'll be really hard. But that's why i'm here. I'm glad you changing for yourself, and i'm happy to help.
In the future, no matter what we turn out to be, I still want to know that i helped you. I won't ever leave you alone unless you want that. I'll always be here for you, for better or for worse. I love you.
Jeffffff
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08:37
June 25th
Started out great. Ended awkwardly. Good job Jenn. You're a really good singer. I hope you know that. Its your second year of singing and I already hear the vibrato in you LOL.
Stephen's jam.... was fun. LOL. yeah. I guess.
Jeffffff
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Saturday, June 18, 2011
23:41
Carry on my wayward son.
[ ] Anthropology[ ] Physics
[ ] Law
[ ] Computer Science (Java)
[ ] Royal Conservatory of Music Piano 9 Exam
________________
-Study for Anthro 1/2!
-Study for Physics 1/2!
-Study for Law
-Study for Comsci
-Piano... x 200
Jeffffff
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23:37
I'm just spam posting now.
Alot on my mind. But at the same time, i'm brain dead today. It's my anthropology final on Monday and I've only studied around 1/2 of the material? I'm looking forward to a long day of anthropology and music tomorrow.
Ohjesusohno.
I actually had to practise piano tonight. FORGOT. :\
There goes one day. I don't have many left. RCM exam is on Friday. Good luck to me...
...thanks jeff. :\
I think after this post. I'm gonna just post up one editable post to update my progress on examinations and such. That would be smart of me? Also, it would give me a reason to use the internet to procrastinate though. ):
I'll make it now and i'll see if we end up abusing it :D
Jeffffff
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21:43
Yearbooks.
Yearbooks, those things we'll probably take out in 5 - 10 years to remember the "good times" and such about that certain year in high school. The clubs we joined, the teams we represented, that awful haircut we had, and the nice and sincere messages of friends on the inner covers.
Ever since the 1st time I received a yearbook, I've had mixed feelings about it. I found it nice to have something we could sum the year with, and just remember everything. But on the other hand, It was just another accidental way of showing me how many friends I didn't have.
I would see everyone giving their friends long, unique messages with inside jokes or special messages, and then return them to each other mutually laughing at each other's letter. They would take 15 mins just to read everyone's posts and then "aawwww" and "ouuuu" at everything. Then I would look down. In my book, it took less than 5 seconds to read. It wasn't as if there wasn't anything there, but it was all the same or similarly paraphrased.
"HI JEFF. HAVE A NICE SUMMER. FROM xxxx"
Of course, this is a good message to have. But honestly, I would have to ask to sign their yearbooks before they were socially obliged to sign mine. I would write all unique messages for them from what I remembered every year only to look back to the bland message I would have inside mine.
In my blog, I always go on and on about how I don't/didn't have friends. The little motivation I had to making friends was generally to be the best person I could be for others and put them before myself. I've tried to do this countless times and it just seems like no one likes that kind of person. Or maybe they just don't like me. I spent my life with different "circles" of friends only to find out months later that they are either giving me subtle hints that they didn't want me there or I would just notice when I would have to ask permission to "hang out" with them. I honestly got tired of this. I didn't know what to do anymore.
But that's already another story. So.. It's just a yearbook right? I look back at my old yearbooks, and they're pretty empty, and bland. I'm getting my yearbook in about a week, to be 100% truthful, i'm scared of being in that situation again. I've gained the love of a few people this year, but they're far away... and I'll probably feel as alone as I was back then, sitting in a full hallway of people but feeling as empty and lonely as ever.
Jeffffff
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21:40
BOTY :3
Battle of the schools yesterday. (:
I loved it... to be honest, its the first REAL bboy battle i've been IN. but SHHH don't tell the other guys D<
LOL. I had lots of fun, even though everything wasn't perfect. Got a bit more bold and confident and i'm ready for the next battle.
Gratz to Elliot and everyone that made this happen :3
Gratz to the Hansen boys, you guys were dope !
Gratz to everyone that threw down, regardless of cypher or competition and the ones that supported.
SEE YOU ALL SOON YEYEY
Jeffffff
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Wednesday, June 15, 2011
19:59
Wtf
Why the actually fuck you say that. Think about it.
Its an event about 10+ GUYS dragging my girlfriend and throwing my girlfriend in water. I get that they're my friends and I don't have a problem with it...
BUT WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO REMIND ME THAT TWO OF THEM ARE HER EXES?
....just kinda irritated. whatever. I'll get over it. hmph.
Jeffffff
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Monday, June 13, 2011
21:54
Another snippit of my happy terrible past
I feel guilty thinking back to my childhood sometimes. Because I had what I wanted yet i'll still admit to this day, I was depressed. I had a loving complete two parent one sister family, and had things i wanted. I even did good in school. But ever since grade 5, I've never had a birthday party. Before grade 5, everyone's parents would always plan these birthday parties for their sons and daughters and just invite 10 - 20 people, I remember I had a few of these. But once I got older and parties seem to be more exclusive and when we, the kids, actually started to pick out people to invite and stuff, I was embarrassed when my birthday came around. I... had no one to invite. Well, I did I guess, but deep inside, during that time, I KNEW no one would come. And every year, my mom would ask, "Jeff, do you want a birthday party?" with a great smile on her face and each year, I'd tell her the same thing. No. Mom.And I see the disappointment in her face. I could tell she wanted to do things for me.
And... now... even as i'm typing this, I feel the guilt of not doing something my mom wanted to do for me for all these years, and the nostalgic feeling of loneliness ....
Up till this year, I still... feel like no one will show up. I turned 17 this year. It just sometimes feels like I have no friends.
Jeffffff
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Sunday, June 12, 2011
21:45
HI GIRLFRIEND. YOU MADE IT TO MY PRIVATE BLOG D:
Congratulations Emily Liu! :D
Jeffffff
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11:00
Emily Liu
Am I a bad boyfriend? I have the kind of girlfriend who doesn't usually want anything and if she does, she diligently saves and buys it for herself. She doesn't want me to spend money on her but it gives me satisfaction when she gets something from me and feels happy. I don't like how she doesn't object to expensive gifts from other guys and friends but she does to me. She tells me I already do enough for her. I can honestly say, when she smiles at something I do, I wouldn't mind repeating it over 100 times just to see her smile that certain way. From now on, I feel like I should pay more attention to little things, the things she says she wants subtly and just see what I can do from there.
Her birthday is in August, we'll see what I can do with the time I have until then.
Jeffffff
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10:31
Goals, Achievements and Life.
I've been thinking a lot these last three nights and the main topic of my self discussion last night was life. I know everyone always tells me not to compare your life to others but sometimes It's hard. I'm sure we all know those people who seem to be able to do everything, the ones who are amazing at art or music, when they're not too busy playing one of 10 sports that they play, going to meet new people and get along with them every week, all while keeping a 95+ average. I'm not entirely sure why, but I seem to be jealous of these kinds of people. It just really feels like, everyone has made something with their lives and did something successful with their lives when i'm just there, with nothing to prove. Well you might ask me, "Well Jeff, Maybe you should just put yourself out there more and do more things!". But its not like I haven't tried, but everything I seem to do only turns out to be at best mediocre. Maybe i'm destined to be mediocre? Maybe, I don't know. I hope I make some sense of my life soon and realize what it is i'm supposed to be.
Jeffffff
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Wednesday, June 8, 2011
22:24
Neveryourfault
Everything is always my fault. And this isn't sarcasm. I think all you do is try and please me. And all I ever do is disappoint you. I'm sorry.
Jeffffff
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21:30
I'm really scared.
I have so many insecurities... Just even today. I'm just... REALLY scared that you might turn into someone or be someone that i'm not familiar with... and just I don't know how to deal with it but I'd still love you. I hate how that conflicts. Clearly this is my problem that I should deal with.. and I feel really bad for always dragging you into these things. I'm really sorry.
Jeffffff
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01:14
Onmymind
I'm really scared you might grow up faster than me, that when you leave all of this behind, you'll leave me behind. It's kinda stupid to think this way, but you seem so independent, and I know you're supposed to be... but I feel... left behind. I don't feel like I can keep up. Or i'm not good enough. Or something. But I love you, and that's really whats gonna keep me coming back no matter how far you end up running.
Jeffffff
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01:11
DAMYO.
It's been a while. hahah. Took me an odd while to get back INTO this blogspot.Still gotta tweak the JS and the HTML a bit, but it'll do for now. Its not like anyone's gonna read this. This is for me. Something... something I can vent to, because honestly, besides my girlfriend, I don't have many people to vent to haha :3
ALOT has changed since this blog. I have changed... for GOOD. LOLOL.
Anyways. I'll blog when i feel like it. And... I know the blogs are reversed. Its ugh. -.- w/e
Jeffffff
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This is my blog. Hf.